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Ci vedremo lassù, angelo.

This was the last sentence in a Novel based on a very heartbreaking real life story or rather tragedy. Recently, I watched the movie (based on said Novel) again and it was as beautiful as it was gut wrenching the first time I watched it.

You may wonder why I’m writing about this. Timothy Conigrave believed in heaven or at least an afterlife where he’d reunite with the one he loved when he passed. I don’t believe in much really. But I’d like to think that the people we lose aren’t just gone forever, right? They have to be somewhere. A more peaceful place. A place without any pain.

Or perhaps that’s what I tell myself to hide from the fact that once someone is dead, they’re gone for good and simply live on in our memories.

If there is a peaceful place beyond this plane of existence where there’s no pain or anguish or suffering, I’d like to visit it. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.

What happens when it all stops?

Is there an afterlife or is it eternal nothingness?

Either way, I don’t care. Anywhere is better than here. As I mentioned before, I suffer from Angina and Migraines among many other conditions. Lately, I’ve been in a lot of pain. I don’t like to talk about it or even show it (what’s the point?) so I guess that’s why I’m writing it here. Because I know nobody will ever read it.

I’ve been suicidal on and off for about a decade and for the past few months… saying I’ve been hanging on by a thread would be a stretch. I’m tired of the pain. I’m tired of feeling helpless and I’m most especially tired of being a burden to those around me.

If by someone coincidence you’re reading this, don’t feel sad or pity. I don’t need your pity! And if you know me personally, think about the good memories and don’t be sad.

So… if there is an afterlife; Ci vedremo lassù and if the isn’t, it’s been a ride! ✌🏾

Orion’s belt! My favorite constellation! 🌌
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What is Easter to you?

I’m an Atheist so Easter is just like any another day now. But that is not how I was raised. I was born and raised in a Catholic Family by a Single Mum. ❤️ My brothers and I all went to Catholic schools and received all the sacraments up to Confirmation for me but some of my brothers are wed in Church so they have that one too!

As a child, Easter meant a lot to me because not only was it the longest public holiday (from school), it was also full of love and hope! Our Family would go for night mass on Saturday night (Holy Saturday) and pray while lighting candles and at midnight, the Church would turn on the lights symbolizing Jesus’ resurrection! I used to get so excited at that moment and really feel like he was right there over the alter watching all of us!

We’d then go home and wake up early the next morning (Easter Sunday) to prepare our Family Lunch which was usually, one or two dishes short of Christmas! ☺️ And by “we” I mean Mum and my brothers! My only contribution was eating some of the veggies before they were prepared and to “taste for salt”. 🙈😌

The reason I contributed nothing to the preparations was because I was very little at the time and wasn’t allowed anywhere near sharp objects or stoves. There was an 18 year difference between our first born and I and there’s a 9 year difference between the brother I follow and I. 😳 See?

So food aside, we were taught about Jesus and the disciples and all things bible related both at school and at home. Easter represented hope to me. A fresh start. A new beginning!

But 19 years ago, Easter at home wasn’t quite the same because one Family member wasn’t present. Now, as I mentioned I was quite young and even though he wasn’t home a lot, I remember him being there for all the big holidays. And this was the second holiday he was missing from (the first one being Christmas of the previous year)! 😔 I wondered why Jesus wasn’t resurrecting with my brother that year! Why didn’t he bring him back with him? Did he not care about my Family? But we were taught that Jesus loved all children so why did he not love me?

Suffice to say, Easter gradually lost meaning to me after that. I didn’t realize it happening but I wasn’t quite hopeful as I once were. Still, I got the remaining sacraments and got my final one (Confirmation) at age 11 in my Primary 7.

I was sent off to a Catholic boarding school so mass and prayer were mandatory but I’ve never really liked being told what to do so I’d miss some of the masses and remain in the dormitory sleeping. By the time I was done with High School, Church, prayer and all that were a thing of the past!

So yes, as I write this from my sick bed, today is Easter and aside from the name, it means absolutely nothing to me! 😐

Happy Easter!

Spiraling a little bit here!

I so badly want to catch you up on well- what’s happening with me but perhaps another day. My head’s currently spinning in so many directions, I don’t know which way to turn!

Below are partial lyrics of a song I love;

내가 나인 싫은 영영 사라지고 싶은

문을 하나 만들자 너의 속에다

문을 열고 들어가면 곳이 기다릴 거야

믿어도 괜찮아 위로해줄 Magic Shop

‘Midnight’ Ramblings!

Dear you,

I’m exhausted.

I don’t exactly have what to write. I mean, I do but the words are eluding me. I’ve been going through some things… changes. I HATE CHANGE! Even the topic ‘Change’ was my second least favorite in Religious Education right after ‘Life after death’. But as my RE teacher taught us, we have no control over change. Even with that knowledge, I try my best to keep things and events in my life normal… my normal!

This year started on a meh note but it soon started going downhill real fast for me personally. Something, a decision was made that threw a wrench in whatever normalcy was still remaining in my life. I’ve taken time to think and evaluate but I keep running into walls left, right and center! I am tired.

You may be visiting my blog for the first and last time (Family) because you were invited. If you’re here, I want to tell you I’m grateful to you. I miss talking to you Bash! You always tell me, when we chat, about God and how he has a plan for me despite being fully aware that I don’t believe in any of that. I love your never ending faith and you, Fiona! 💜 Mau, we don’t really talk much. But you’ve ‘listened’ to my venting on one or two occasions. I believe you never quite know what to say to me, which is ok because I always appreciate all you do for me and for us. 🙏🏾

You may be wondering why I’m writing any of this. Thing is, I… I haven’t been feeling well. The Angina has worsened and the attacks are more frequent now. I was supposed to go for another round of tests to see how ‘bad’ the ‘damage’ is but what’s the point? Anyway, my physical health isn’t why I’m writing this. Sure, it’s contributed but it’s my mind that’s fed up really.

I don’t want to think anymore. The thoughts in my head have resorted to screaming at me and I don’t know how much longer I can hold it. The migraines have become a daily thing now. That’s a given at this point. Do you know what I would like? To sleep! No, not sleep, pass out. No dreams, no nightmares, no waking up to pee… I want to experience the nothingness for 48 or 24 hours. Just blissful uninterrupted rest.

Don’t worry, I don’t want to die! Well, I do but not yet. I still have things to do. And as long as I still have those responsibilities, I’m not going anywhere. At least, not when I have a say in the matter.

Tifa, my lovely Tifa. If you’ve made it this far, I’m proud of you for that first and foremost and secondly, Ich liebe dich! I may go missing on social media for a bit but you know you and I always find a way to communicate, Always! I love you and Tessie! 💞

Edly, you’re a royal pain in the ass and you know this. But even more than that, you’re my rainbow! My light at the end of the tunnel. That’s what you’ve been to me this past decade or so and for all the negative things about you, the English language lacks the requisite words to express how grateful I am that you were a part of my life. All I can say is thank you and I love you! 💚

Bash, Mau, Tifa, Edly… You’re very special and loved immensely. You all also happen to be believers in God so may he bless each of you abundantly!

Love,

Your Sister, your best friend, your lady… B!

My lockdown guardian angels!

We’ve been in lockdown for almost 2 months now and it’s been particularly hard for me and my Family. For those of you who don’t know (which is all of you), I have Angina, hypertension, migraines, backache and what I assume is a digestive infection (don’t really know for sure because I can’t go to the hospital due to the lockdown).

Anyway with all that, I’m on constant daily medication (which I have to buy)! Did I mention I’m unemployed? Yeah, I am. Now, this has unfortunately made me a burden to those closest to me. But that’s a story for another day. Today, I want to say thank you to everyone who has helped me during this unnerving time.

Benji:

He’s my brother who fortunately or unfortunately found himself stuck home with us during the lockdown. He’s been a peach in helping out with Mum and giving me headache! And I love him.❤️

This is Benji! 💛

Al:

Thanks for simply being kind and thoughtful and for loving us! You’re my sunshine dear big brother and I love you! ❤️

This is Al! ❤️

John:

Thank you for always making us smile whenever you come to visit and most especially for loving us the way you do! Thank you for the support you’ve provided to the Family and for generally being awesome! Love, your little Sister! ❤️

This is John! ❤️

Jamie:

Jamie is one of the few people who I can call and we’d literally spend the whole day talking. She’s cool like that! 😎

She’s also been my sounding board so I owe her quite the amount for listening to my ramblings! Thank you Jamie for making sure I had meds when this whole nightmare begun! ❤️ I truly appreciate it. 😊

Ashanti:

Ashanti is my Sister. She’s humble and quiet with a heart as big as the sun and she’s made sure that I don’t run out of the important meds during these months despite having her own family to take care of. Thanks Ashanti! I love you! ❤️

Tifa:

My darling Tifa, you’re a Mum now and I try not to bother you as much as possible but you’re my Sister from another Mother so that’s… yeah, it’s not happening! I’ll bother you until you’re fed up of me! 😅 I love you and Tessie! 🤱🏾💞

This is Tifa! 💞

Edly:

I don’t think I’ve ever told you this but you’re my rainbow! You annoy the hell out of me but you’re also always there to rescue me from drowning every time and for that I’m eternally grateful! Fate brought us together in the most unusual of circumstances and looking back, I wouldn’t change anything in my past because then I wouldn’t have met you. Thank you for making sure I have food on the table and Mum has what she needs. 🙏🏾

This is Edly! ❤️

Mum:

You’re my rock, my cheerleader and my Critic! Your strength and resilience is what’s kept me moving all these years. Now, I know the last couple of years haven’t been good but you’re weathering the storm and you’ll come through it on the other side as the victor! ☺️ I love you more than anything in this whole wide world and may you gain the strength to one day walk again! ❤️❤️❤️

❤️This is My Angel! ❤️

Happy Mothers’ Day my Angel!

This is my Mum!
Yes, it’s an old photo but I love it! It was taken before I was born.
Today, on Mothers Day, I celebrate her not just because she’s a Mother but because she’s an amazing Woman who single-handedly raised four boys and a girl!
Being a Single Mother isn’t easy and any Single Mother will tell you so. She sacrificed her freedom, happiness, friendships just so she could take care of us.
I hope I can one day make her proud and that she can see that her sacrifice wasn’t for nothing.
For now, all I can say is I love you Mum! You’re my strength and my North Star!
❤️

Easter Greetings!

Hello!

I know I’ve been AWOL for a while but I had to quickly check in with everyone and wish you a blessed Easter Sunday… and Monday!

Saying Happy Easter doesn’t quite feel right at this particular time so I will only send you love and light to guide you through these dark times. Virtual hugs are a given of course! 🤗

Easter Greetings from my Family to yours!

Be safe, stay safe!

#AloneTogether❤️

Congratulations Tifa!

Remember how I mentioned earlier that Tifa was due soon? Well, the baby is here 🤱🏾 and it’s a Princessa! 🤗

She gave birth a few days ago so she’s still recuperating but everything went well and Mother and Child are in good health! I’ve never been happier! ☺️

I still can’t believe that my Tifa is a Mum now! 😅 But super happy for her and her husband and wish them all the happiness in the universe!

Yours Truly!

Dearest Tessie!

Dear Tessie,

Congratulations on making it to the next phase of your life especially without giving your Mum a lot of trouble! 😊 Welcome to the world little dove!

Now I know you’re little but please don’t cry a lot especially at night. Allow Mummy Tifa to rest a little. Lord knows she’s earned it.

Who am I kidding? Of course you’ll cry at 03:00 hours because you’re hungry and you don’t even know what time it is! 😒

I’ll let you in on a little secret dear niece. You have the most resilient and amazing Mum 🤱🏾 in the whole wide world and she’s got you! ❤️ With her in your corner, you have absolutely nothing to worry about! 😊

Now, be a good girl… for now!

With all my love, Auntie B! ❤️

I feel like taking a little break!

This may be my last blog post for a while if not ever. I just feel so overwhelmed and honestly, I’m pretty proud of myself for being able to fight thus far. But I feel like this storm I’ve been weathering is turning into a tornado and frankly speaking, I don’t have any energy left to hold on.

I could list all the shit that’s going on but what’s the point? It doesn’t matter anyway.

I just… want one moment of serenity… silence… peace. Without thinking or worrying or hurting. Is that too much to ask for?

If this does end up being my final post, allow me to say this to whoever happens to come across it and is hurting in any way; please don’t give up the fight just yet! 😊

And if you know someone who’s going through something, please check in on them. All it takes is a phone call. Actually be that friend you claim to be!

Stay safe and beautiful!

✌🏾