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Hi! Lovely to meet you!

First, allow me to introduce myself, will you? I’m B, a 30 year old woman from Uganda, Africa. Yes, Uganda is a Country, no, Africa is a Continent.

I’m not the best ‘talker’ nor am I good at openly expressing myself or my feelings for that matter. I’m not going to rehash what I’ve posted before… whether you read it or not. Let’s talk about this year.

I turned 30 this year and I had no intention of making it to 31. Still don’t. I had a few things I needed to do first though. Like visiting my friends-turned-Family who live 6 hours away from me. I achieved that 2 weeks ago. Next, I had to wait for my soulmate’s Birthday which is coming up in a few days… thankfully.

I write all this here with the knowledge that nobody is ever going to read it and that gives me a little sense of peace.

Living in this Country has literally become too expensive for me. My medical bills are piling up, not to mention my Mum’s. I can’t afford the daily treatment I require to get through the day anymore. I can’t afford many things. July is ending and after August, I should have a well thought out plan. I don’t have one at the moment.

When the pain becomes too much that I can’t even do mundane, everyday things like cook or clean up, what’s my purpose on this planet? I had an internal conflict on whether or not I should post this but I decided, why not? It’s not like anyone cares. So here we are.

I don’t need reassurance of any kind, I already know I’m loved. I know it. Thing is, my brain couldn’t care less about this knowledge. The fact that I’m a failure supersedes all else. I’ve failed my Mum by failing to give her the adequate care she so badly needs. I’ve failed my babies (Friends) by not being able to rise to the occasion whenever they’ve needed me. I’m always available for emotional and moral support but that’s all. That’s all I’m good for. They deserve better.

I don’t know if this’ll be my final blogpost or not, but if it turns out to be… Mum, Addy, Tonny, Qudrah and Boub, thank you for loving me unconditionally. I’m sorry I let you down but I hope a small part of you is proud of me for having made it this far.

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Age of 20!

The year was … Haha! This isn’t history class!

This decade has been quite interesting if I had to put it in one word. It had it all; friendship, love, depression and anxiety, heartbreak, loss and grief, laughter, specks of joy, bad health, and a lot more. Let’s check it out, shall we?

End of 2011/Beginning of 2012:

Just like 2021, 2011 was exhausting but without the pandemic and pointless lockdown. So I was really looking forward to the end of that year/decade and to “new” beginnings. I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions because frankly, how many of those do you actually see through? I had one plan; get through 2012 alive. New Year’s Day 2012 was remarkably uneventful. I did what I spend my Birthdays doing ever since I became an adult, cooking and chores! Family had come home for the holidays so after everyone had lunch and they were planning to go out, I just needed some peace and quiet (I hate people, gatherings, functions…), I needed to breathe! I left home and took a walk to the Tennis court. It was quiet like I had anticipated but a little cold. I sat on the bench hugging myself and whispered “Happy Birthday!” to myself. I stayed there for an hour or two and returned home. I had a brief conversation with Mum, did chores and went to bed. That’s how I begun this decade!

A pretty mundane start, right? It wouldn’t stay that way for long, unfortunately. I obviously don’t remember every detail of this last decade, so I’ll talk about what I do remember, the highlights. It was around September of 2012, a day like the others. I woke up, went for a jog, bathed and went out into the world to face the day (class). Something wasn’t quite right but I ignored the feeling. Something hadn’t been quite right for a few weeks in fact. That day was extremely slow, like the clock was moving backwards. I had a test in the afternoon but I was struggling to breathe going into the test which I choked up to nerves (no pun intended). I did the test and handed in my paper (before time was up) to the invigilator telling him; “I need to go outside.”. I’m sure he was planning to yell at me and tell me to go back to my seat and perhaps he did? Last thing I remember was saying “I need to go outside” and… lights out! I regained consciousness in hospital, on a hospital bed with a very concerned face staring at me. I tried to sit but was politely told to stay put. I had no idea what had happened or how much time had passed but I had one thought in my head; I want to go home! A doctor came in shortly after I awoke and told me I was hypertensive. Hyper-what?! He went on to explain to me that my blood pressure was too high which is why I’d passed out but that it was stabilizing. He added that I had to stay overnight for observation because I wasn’t out of the woods yet. Obviously, I thought that was a nightmare and I’d wake up from it. My mind was racing… I wanted to go home!

After some bargaining, I was discharged an hour later after promising I’d be at the hospital for review first thing the following day! I was prescribed some meds and told to avoid anything stressful or strainous. It was late evening (around 19:00 hours) by then and an acquaintance dropped me home after stopping over at a Pharmacy to pick the meds. I told Mum everything that happened and she couldn’t quite believe it. Even with the doctor’s notes, she couldn’t believe it. But she tried to comfort me… tried. I was restless and the more she asked me to stay calm, the more pissed off I got. So she spoke to me the only way she knew how, bluntly (god, I love that Woman!). “Sit down, breathe and take your medicine!” Before I could protest, she sweetly informed me; “That wasn’t a suggestion!”.

After a night’s ‘rest’ thanks to the meds, I went for review the following day. My blood pressure was taken and I was informed I had to make some “lifestyle changes”. Again, what?! I was to have a two week bedrest (nonnegotiable) and take meds daily for 3 months with weekly reviews after the bedrest. I was put on a diet as well. Ah, yes! Just what I needed! Dieting! I love how doctors nonchalantly throw around the word “dieting”. It’s not only Ugandan doctors that do it. So just like that, my life was… changed. I went from daily exercise to practically zero physical activity. What was going on inside my head? Good question! Let’s recap, shall we? In one week I’d collapsed, been hospitalized, been told I had a chronic illness and had to ‘step back’ from school because it was almost examination period and I don’t know about you but when I think of exams, I don’t think “calm and serene”. Yes, this is how this decade began.

2013 – 2018:

There isn’t much to talk about during this period of time. Fundamental events, yes. But nothing I’d like to remember anyway. So let’s do the “highlights” and get it over with, shall we?

2013 went by in a haze and so did 2014. All thanks to the antidepressants I was taking because I’d been diagnosed with severe clinical depression and anxiety and was suicidal. By the end of 2014, I had deleted my Facebook account and other accounts on social media platforms I was on at the time.

In 2015, therapy was doing alright but I was still mostly operating in “zombie mode” thanks to the antidepressants and other meds I was on. Most days went by in a blur and I’d lost interest in practically everything… even watching Movies (I know!). 2016! 2016 was loooong! I was back on some social media platforms (NOT Facebook), still undergoing therapy, still on medication, got diagnosed with Angina…

I ended most if not all “friendships” I was holding onto for the better part of the previous decade. I also ended whatever was going on with my “forever partner”. Haha! Forever? Stupid! I limited my number of friends to a maximum of three (Tifa, Doc and Edly) and that’s a decision I haven’t regretted! Even though we grew old and all started living our own separate lives (they’re all married with kids, I’m not), we never grew apart! 2017 marked the end of my therapy (not because I was “cured” but because this is Uganda and my Psychiatrist had way too much on their plate to continue seeing me). I was still taking antidepressants but stopped by the end of that year. This year was also the last year my precious Mum was able to walk around unaided.

January 1st 2018; Once again, Family was present for the Christmas Holidays. I was used to all this (people and chaos) by now but something different happened that day. My Mum forgot it was my Birthday! Maybe it’s because there were people around pissing me off left and right or perhaps it was because I’m hypersensitive on my Birthdays but the fact that she forgot to wish me a “Happy Birthday” hurt a lot. All those other Birthdays when I was always in the Kitchen cooking for people who didn’t care that it was my Birthday, I didn’t mind because they didn’t matter to me. And Mum previously never once forgot it was my Birthday regardless of all the chaos happening around us. A fact she reminded me of when she realized past midnight (2nd January) that she hadn’t wished me a “Happy Birthday“. “I’ve remembered the past 25 BIRTHDAYS!” She said to a crying me. Now you may think that I was being dramatic for no reason and maybe I was. But the only thing that always kept me grounded on my Birthdays ever since I turned 20 was that little greeting from Mum every morning; “Happy Birthday *******!” No matter how much the people present provoked and tested my patience on every January 1st, that short yet significant phrase kept me from losing it all day. So yes, that day I was heartbroken that she forgot. Even with full knowledge that Mum had A LOT on her plate and she was stressed, it still hurt. But that day I decided I would not go to the Kitchen on my Birthday to cook for anyone who wasn’t Mum anymore! I always did it for her anyway. And I have to say, life has become much easier since I stopped breaking my back on every New Year’s Day so ingrates could have a decent meal they absolutely didn’t deserve!

Moving on… I traveled more than usual in 2018 and it was nice. I still had hypertension, angina, migraines, chronic backache, depression and anxiety, duodenal ulcers and other fun things.

2019 – Present:

The beginning of 2019 was most definitely memorable! For the first time since I could remember, I fell asleep before midnight on December 31st 2018. I’d previously, even as a child, insisted on staying up till midnight for my Birthday and the New Year of course. About 2 or so minutes past midnight on January 1st 2019, I was awakened by a phone call from Mum to wish me a “Happy Birthday” and a Happy New Year! She’s usually the first to wish me a “Happy Birthday” followed by Boub, my older brother and 2 others.

2019 was so so which considering the years that have since come after it makes it seem like a very good year! Mum’s health got worse and she was bed bound. The medication prescribed for her wasn’t helping her, not really. They’d provide temporary relief but without a proper diagnosis and the doctors going with “old age” as the cause of her illness, what could I do?

Tifa had a Church Wedding while pregnant with her first born, Doc was being Doc and Edly was being secretive about things happening in his life. Not much had changed over the years. Heh!

I won’t talk much about 2020 and 2021 because I believe they’re already chronicled rather thoroughly in my past blog posts. So I’ll mention the things I might have overlooked in the aforementioned blog posts. Tifa had a baby girl in February 2020, Edly had a baby boy in August 2020, and Doc had a baby girl in August 2021! Damn! I’m old! Haha.

And as for me right now, I don’t have any child nor do I want any, I’m not married neither do I intend to do so and I still hate most human beings. It’s 20 days to the end of this decade that has been awful, to put it mildly and I’m honestly not really looking forward to the future at all!

Oh! I still live with hypertension, angina, migraines, chronic backache, depression and anxiety, duodenal ulcers, IBD and other fun things.

P. S:

Allow me to state my boundless love for these gems I’m lucky to call my Family:

Mum, may you always be yourself and never stop putting me in my place whenever my head grows too big! This world lacks the requisite language to express how much I love you!

Tifa, may you always look at the bright side of things despite having a pessimist like me in your life and never forget how grateful I am to you! I love you!

Doc, you’re not a fan of reading anything that isn’t a medical journal so I know you won’t read this. Nevertheless, I love you!

Edly, you suck at a lot of things outside of business but one thing you don’t suck at is showing me you love me… in your own interesting way. I wouldn’t trade you for anything!

Boub, Tina, Al, John, Maureen M, Fiona Bash, Andrew K and many others that I may have forgotten to mention, thank you and I love you!

~End~

Kim Taehyung

If you know me, you know I love Tae.

So I thought I should make a post about my favorite celebrity. As someone who isn’t a fan of celebrities, I love Taehyung. Perhaps it’s because of his humility or perhaps it’s because even though everything physically about him seems unreal, he allows us to see that he’s just a human being like the rest of us.

Is he ordinary? Of course not! Is he relatable? Absolutely! The other members of BTS are each relatable in their unique ways as well but this post isn’t about them.

When I first learned of BTS, I couldn’t tell them apart for two years! But I could always tell who Tae was. Jungkook and Joon too! I was drawn to him due to his bubbly character. The complete opposite of who I am.

But as the years went by, he grew older and became more mature. He was still a ball of sunshine but he wasn’t so bubbly as before. I loved him even more for not suppressing his struggles in order to maintain a persona. I especially loved the period when he looked happy and carefree. Some “fans” didn’t like his appearance (he had apparently gained too much weight 🙄) and it broke my heart when in a space of less than two weeks, he shed so much weight, he was barely recognizable!

*Note:

Shame on you if you’ve ever been mean to Tae but especially screw you if you thought he didn’t look handsome because he had full cheeks!

Taehyung can be playful. Not as much as he used to be but are you the same person you were 5 years ago? Do I miss old bubbly Tae? Sometimes. Do I wish he could come back? Absolutely not!

Kim Taehyung is a human being, not a doll. He grew and changed and he will continue to grow and change. Just like the rest of us. I may not get to see his trademark boxy smile and his shenanigans on stage as often and that is ok. Just as long as he’s happy in his life.

Tae is an incredible person who deserves so much love than this world could ever give because frankly, we don’t deserve him! I wish for him to always find happiness wherever he is and to have peace of mind despite the negativity spread to ruin it. Continue to grow and shine and most of all, do whatever makes you happy!

You are loved, Kim Taehyung!

Please be a BTS fan

Dear ARMY,

Please be a BTS fan.

A BTS fan loves and supports ALL seven members of the group despite having a favorite member.

A BTS fan understands that even though the members are idols, they are more importantly, human beings. They have feelings, they get hurt, they get depressed, they make personal choices that you may not agree with… They’re not your personal dolls and do not exist just to make you happy!

A BTS fan knows that the members are not infallible. Quite the opposite. It’s their flaws that make them lovable and relatable to us. Do not attack a member just because their personal choice or lifestyle doesn’t conform to your standards. You can call them out wherever they go wrong like cultural appropriation or when they [some] say racial slurs in their songs or interviews but you shouldn’t comment on personal choices like body piercings, tattoos or clothing unless said choices affect a certain (marginalized) group of people in some way (which is unlikely but not impossible).

A BTS fan knows that however much they love the members and BTS as a group, the members have personal goals and lives to live outside of BTS. That life may be as an artiste or an ordinary citizen so please respect the members’ choices when that time comes, which it will. And stop with the “When will the MiXtApE be out?“!

A BTS fan knows or at least should know not to blindly follow (especially on social media) every person the members interact with (e.g talk to or take a photo with). The members are very popular and there are many out there who want to (and already have) take/n advantage of that. If a member is friends with someone you personally don’t like or someone who is problematic, don’t follow that person! You don’t follow that person! Don’t ask or expect the member(s) not to interact with or stop being friends with that person.

A BTS fan, a true one understands that there’s a line that as a fan, you shouldn’t cross. For example; It’s ok to be a solo fan, I can even understand the appeal. What is most definitely NOT ok is attacking the other members (to be an akgae) because you feel your favorite has been slighted in some way. My personal favorite member is one of least liked among “ARMYs” because of so many nonsensical reasons and a lot of hate is directed towards him. Why do any of that?

People always look at me with confusion when I say “I’m a BTS fan” and not “I’m an ARMY”. They say, “Isn’t that the same thing?”. And no, to me, it’s not. While there are genuinely good and respectful ARMYs out there, there are just as many bad ones, if not more. “ARMYs” who don’t practice the core message of BTS; Love. “ARMYs” who always look for what divides (race, gender, sexuality, age…) instead of what unites (love for the seven members that make up BTS). ARMY is an acronym for something good but do some of you even know what it stands for? Do you really?

I guess what I’m trying to say is, love all seven members but if for one reason or or another you can’t, then don’t hate or spread hate on those you don’t love.

Yours, me.

A BTS fan!

This year is becoming too long!

In the final days of November 2021, I’m unpleasantly surprised every time I remember that we had Presidential Elections at the start of this very same year. I shudder when I think about all the senseless violence that preceded said Presidential Elections. But so much has happened between then and now that I can’t believe we’re still in this damn year!

Now, this blog is my personal diary and that being said, I hate politics and anything related to the topic. Thing is, it’s difficult to stay away from politics however much I would like to avoid it. So, with that in mind, please allow me to tell you about this year.

January started off terribly! With the Elections so close, violence and unrest were a daily thing. There were several ads on TVs and Radios urging people to follow COVID SOPs as we were still in a pandemic. In fact, law enforcement officers did their duty and broke up gatherings and arrested those who didn’t follow the SOPs and defied Curfew. There was one thing that bugged me though; the people who were beaten, tear gassed, arrested and, shot for not following SOPs all had one thing in common, they weren’t dressed in something yellow. Those dressed in the aforementioned colour were free to gather and move however and whenever they wanted because they followed the SOPs. In fact, they were so obedient that some were rewarded with vehicles with customized plates. The plates were so customized that they didn’t even have a name but a photo! A photo of one person (the same photo) on multiple vehicles! I mean… talk about sending a message!

The Election Day finally reached and our most reverend supreme leader chose to grant us a four day nationwide internet break. Isn’t he so thoughtful? Results trickled in and eventually, a victor was announced. Just a quick reminder here: After the victor was announced and during the celebrations that followed, the COVID Virus went on holiday outside of our beautiful Country. Or at least, that’s what it looked like to me. The yellow garment is so powerful that the COVID Virus wouldn’t dare go near it! Personally, I was glad the messy elections were done with and the unnecessary violence would come to an end. Boy, was I wrong!

Schools were partially reopened and Students and Pupils returned to school. We still had a 19:00 hours curfew that had been imposed in March of 2020. And the economy wasn’t fully reopened yet from the previous lockdown. Oh yeah! COVID had returned from the brief vacation, energized and rejuvenated. Positive cases started exponentially rising and so were the deaths. Our Capital became a COVID hotspot but even still, it wasn’t put under lockdown to restrict movement in and out of the City, no. By May things were looking bad with people dying and the healthy going about their days mask-less like there was no pandemic. I was often asked (still am); “Do you think that tiny mask and that hand sanitizer can keep you safe from the Virus?“. The answer, even though I never said it out loud, was no. I knew nothing could keep me safe from the Virus but nonetheless, I was taking precautions to stay safe from it for as long as possible. Because as an immumocompromised individual, I knew I didn’t stand a chance were I to contract it!

June came and, drumroll please… Another total lockdown was announced! Students and Pupils who had been at school were given 3 days to travel to their homes before the 42-Day-Lockdown officially started! You can probably imagine the chaos that followed. People who had been stuck in Cities and Towns during the previous lockdown didn’t want to make the same mistake twice so they joined the Students in fighting for transportation means. This Lockdown was issued to ‘curb‘ the ‘spread of the Virus‘. Ridiculous, right? Lockdown started and it obviously sucked. Once again we got to watch (on TV) our leaders join our most reverend supreme leader during his bi-monthly house parties… errr… Addresses. On day 11 of 42, the lockdown was extended for another 42 days. So basically, the first 11 were a trial run for the real lockdown. But that was alright, we had experience from the previous year! Oh! Oh! Oh! The Office of the Prime Minister pledged to provide Ug Shs. 100,000/- to “vulnerable” citizens to help get them through the lockdown! So thoughtful! Now, I could tell you how that turned out but honestly, I don’t have the energy. Let’s fast forward, shall we?

August. Tertiary Institutions with Medical Schools were partially reopened. To be clear, Only Medical schools were reopened. The rest were to remain closed for an extra two months. Why am I talking about this? We have a P.5 Pupil at home that hasn’t been to school since March 2020! That’s right, there are some Pupils that haven’t been to school in almost Two Years!

It’s November now and All Schools are supposedly reopening in January 2022. I mentioned at the beginning of this post that I hated politics. Schools aren’t closed because of the pandemic, that’s become apparent. Lockdowns (and other measures) aren’t put in place to protect us from the deadly pandemic, that’s also become apparent. The government doesn’t care whether I live or die. It doesn’t care whether my Mother lives or dies and you’re fooling yourself if you think it cares whether you live or die!

Spiraling a little bit here!

I so badly want to catch you up on well- what’s happening with me but perhaps another day. My head’s currently spinning in so many directions, I don’t know which way to turn!

Below are partial lyrics of a song I love;

내가 나인 싫은 영영 사라지고 싶은

문을 하나 만들자 너의 속에다

문을 열고 들어가면 곳이 기다릴 거야

믿어도 괜찮아 위로해줄 Magic Shop

‘Midnight’ Ramblings!

Dear you,

I’m exhausted.

I don’t exactly have what to write. I mean, I do but the words are eluding me. I’ve been going through some things… changes. I HATE CHANGE! Even the topic ‘Change’ was my second least favorite in Religious Education right after ‘Life after death’. But as my RE teacher taught us, we have no control over change. Even with that knowledge, I try my best to keep things and events in my life normal… my normal!

This year started on a meh note but it soon started going downhill real fast for me personally. Something, a decision was made that threw a wrench in whatever normalcy was still remaining in my life. I’ve taken time to think and evaluate but I keep running into walls left, right and center! I am tired.

You may be visiting my blog for the first and last time (Family) because you were invited. If you’re here, I want to tell you I’m grateful to you. I miss talking to you Bash! You always tell me, when we chat, about God and how he has a plan for me despite being fully aware that I don’t believe in any of that. I love your never ending faith and you, Fiona! 💜 Mau, we don’t really talk much. But you’ve ‘listened’ to my venting on one or two occasions. I believe you never quite know what to say to me, which is ok because I always appreciate all you do for me and for us. 🙏🏾

You may be wondering why I’m writing any of this. Thing is, I… I haven’t been feeling well. The Angina has worsened and the attacks are more frequent now. I was supposed to go for another round of tests to see how ‘bad’ the ‘damage’ is but what’s the point? Anyway, my physical health isn’t why I’m writing this. Sure, it’s contributed but it’s my mind that’s fed up really.

I don’t want to think anymore. The thoughts in my head have resorted to screaming at me and I don’t know how much longer I can hold it. The migraines have become a daily thing now. That’s a given at this point. Do you know what I would like? To sleep! No, not sleep, pass out. No dreams, no nightmares, no waking up to pee… I want to experience the nothingness for 48 or 24 hours. Just blissful uninterrupted rest.

Don’t worry, I don’t want to die! Well, I do but not yet. I still have things to do. And as long as I still have those responsibilities, I’m not going anywhere. At least, not when I have a say in the matter.

Tifa, my lovely Tifa. If you’ve made it this far, I’m proud of you for that first and foremost and secondly, Ich liebe dich! I may go missing on social media for a bit but you know you and I always find a way to communicate, Always! I love you and Tessie! 💞

Edly, you’re a royal pain in the ass and you know this. But even more than that, you’re my rainbow! My light at the end of the tunnel. That’s what you’ve been to me this past decade or so and for all the negative things about you, the English language lacks the requisite words to express how grateful I am that you were a part of my life. All I can say is thank you and I love you! 💚

Bash, Mau, Tifa, Edly… You’re very special and loved immensely. You all also happen to be believers in God so may he bless each of you abundantly!

Love,

Your Sister, your best friend, your lady… B!

Ci vedremo lassù, angelo.

This was the last sentence in a Novel based on a very heartbreaking real life story or rather tragedy. Recently, I watched the movie (based on said Novel) again and it was as beautiful as it was gut wrenching the first time I watched it.

You may wonder why I’m writing about this. Timothy Conigrave believed in heaven or at least an afterlife where he’d reunite with the one he loved when he passed. I don’t believe in much really. But I’d like to think that the people we lose aren’t just gone forever, right? They have to be somewhere. A more peaceful place. A place without any pain.

Or perhaps that’s what I tell myself to hide from the fact that once someone is dead, they’re gone for good and simply live on in our memories.

If there is a peaceful place beyond this plane of existence where there’s no pain or anguish or suffering, I’d like to visit it. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately.

What happens when it all stops?

Is there an afterlife or is it eternal nothingness?

Either way, I don’t care. Anywhere is better than here. As I mentioned before, I suffer from Angina and Migraines among many other conditions. Lately, I’ve been in a lot of pain. I don’t like to talk about it or even show it (what’s the point?) so I guess that’s why I’m writing it here. Because I know nobody will ever read it.

I’ve been suicidal on and off for about a decade and for the past few months… saying I’ve been hanging on by a thread would be a stretch. I’m tired of the pain. I’m tired of feeling helpless and I’m most especially tired of being a burden to those around me.

If by some coincidence you’re reading this, don’t feel sad or pity. I don’t need your pity! And if you know me personally, think about the good memories and don’t be sad.

So… if there is an afterlife; Ci vedremo lassù and if the isn’t, it’s been a ride! ✌🏾

Orion’s belt! My favorite constellation! 🌌

Happy Mothers’ Day my Angel!

This is my Mum!
Yes, it’s an old photo but I love it! It was taken before I was born.
Today, on Mothers Day, I celebrate her not just because she’s a Mother but because she’s an amazing Woman who single-handedly raised four boys and a girl!
Being a Single Mother isn’t easy and any Single Mother will tell you so. She sacrificed her freedom, happiness, friendships just so she could take care of us.
I hope I can one day make her proud and that she can see that her sacrifice wasn’t for nothing.
For now, all I can say is I love you Mum! You’re my strength and my North Star!
❤️

What is Easter to you?

I’m an Atheist so Easter is just like any another day now. But that is not how I was raised. I was born and raised in a Catholic Family by a Single Mum. ❤️ My brothers and I all went to Catholic schools and received all the sacraments up to Confirmation for me but some of my brothers are wed in Church so they have that one too!

As a child, Easter meant a lot to me because not only was it the longest public holiday (from school), it was also full of love and hope! Our Family would go for night mass on Saturday night (Holy Saturday) and pray while lighting candles and at midnight, the Church would turn on the lights symbolizing Jesus’ resurrection! I used to get so excited at that moment and really feel like he was right there over the alter watching all of us!

We’d then go home and wake up early the next morning (Easter Sunday) to prepare our Family Lunch which was usually, one or two dishes short of Christmas! ☺️ And by “we” I mean Mum and my brothers! My only contribution was eating some of the veggies before they were prepared and to “taste for salt”. 🙈😌

The reason I contributed nothing to the preparations was because I was very little at the time and wasn’t allowed anywhere near sharp objects or stoves. There was an 18 year difference between our first born and I and there’s a 9 year difference between the brother I follow and I. 😳 See?

So food aside, we were taught about Jesus and the disciples and all things bible related both at school and at home. Easter represented hope to me. A fresh start. A new beginning!

But 19 years ago, Easter at home wasn’t quite the same because one Family member wasn’t present. Now, as I mentioned I was quite young and even though he wasn’t home a lot, I remember him being there for all the big holidays. And this was the second holiday he was missing from (the first one being Christmas of the previous year)! 😔 I wondered why Jesus wasn’t resurrecting with my brother that year! Why didn’t he bring him back with him? Did he not care about my Family? But we were taught that Jesus loved all children so why did he not love me?

Suffice to say, Easter gradually lost meaning to me after that. I didn’t realize it happening but I wasn’t quite hopeful as I once were. Still, I got the remaining sacraments and got my final one (Confirmation) at age 11 in my Primary 7.

I was sent off to a Catholic boarding school so mass and prayer were mandatory but I’ve never really liked being told what to do so I’d miss some of the masses and remain in the dormitory sleeping. By the time I was done with High School, Church, prayer and all that were a thing of the past!

So yes, as I write this from my sick bed, today is Easter and aside from the name, it means absolutely nothing to me! 😐

Happy Easter!